Reposted from May 2022

On Listening:

I thought about listening a lot this last month, what it is and how to do it well.  I’ve been contemplating how listening is an action and that in its essence, listening is simply about paying attention.  When we listen to one another, we create the possibility for generative exchanges of energy to happen through our interactions.  Listening is an integral part of successful communication, and developing patience, openness, and the desire to understand are key components.  I’m interested in how slowing down can help us in our listening and understanding of one another, and I am reminded of this quote from Andrea S. Cohen, that “communication requires slowing down to the speed of wisdom.”  I believe we all have unique wisdom to share, and I want to be a part of creating contexts where we can listen to and with each other, so that our collective wisdom can be uncovered.  I am continuing to learn the art of listening, and I want to keep exploring with others how we can better listen to ourselves, to our bodies, to one another, and to the earth. 

There are many approaches to listening.  Deep listening, receiving empathically, and active listening all invoke something a little bit different; there are many nuances and ways we can practice with one another.  I first learned about ‘deep listening’ through the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, who has promoted deep listening as a nonviolent solution to conflict and a way of recognizing our interbeing (the interexistence of all things.)  To me, deep listening evokes a contemplative quality and invites us to open our awareness to the unknown.  In Non-Violent Communication, Marshall Rosenburg talks about listening in the context of ‘receiving empathically’, as only possible when we have ‘shed all preconceived ideas and judgements’ about others.  The term ‘active listening’ was coined in 1957 by psychologist Carl Rogers, and is a way of listening that involves paraphrasing, clarifying and summarizing.  In active listening, paraphrasing involves explaining what we believe has been said in our own words, while clarifying is about asking questions to ensure we are understanding correctly.  Summarizing is about offering a concise overview of what we believe the main points and intent of the message are.  I find a lot of value in thinking about and comparing these different approaches in regards to listening to others.  

In terms of learning to listen to ourselves, there is this acronym I like-WAIT, which stands for  ‘Why Am I Talking?’, which is a question I have found to be helpful to ask myself at times.  There are moments when I ask myself this question, and then come to realize that what I’m choosing to share isn’t necessary or generative.  At the same time, sometimes I don’t know precisely the ‘reason’ behind why I’m talking, but I know that I need to get something out, or I find that I’m experiencing some resistance or fear in sharing something for whatever reason.  Inner listening can also involve taking risks to speak the truth and share the vulnerable things about ourselves with one another.  Thich Nhat Hanh writes in The Art of Communicating, “once you can communicate with yourself, you’ll be able to communicate outwardly with more clarity.  The way in is the way out”.  While I believe that listening to ourselves is key to finding the inner clarity that will translate outwardly, I also believe that we discover ourselves through our relationships with each other, and can support one another in finding clarity and connection through giving the gift of our presence.

In my presentation for the ‘Regenera’ summit, I shared a synopsis of the ‘4 types of listening’ created by Otto Scharmer at the Presencing Institute.  These 4 types of listening are useful to understand the different kinds of ‘listening’ I think we all do and can learn to practice. The first is called ‘downloading’, and this type of listening comes from a place of habit, where we may look for information to confirm our own beliefs.  This is a common kind of listening, where we may project our opinions and judgments onto the person talking or onto the subject of the conversation.  The second type of listening in this framework is called ‘factual listening’, and this is where we listen for what we do not already know to gather new information, but we are not really paying attention to feelings or emotions.  The third type of listening is called ‘empathic listening’ and this comes from within, and is a way of listening for feelings and needs.  Empathic listening happens when we create emotional connection, consciously feel the other, and through an open heart, allow ourselves to see through another’s eyes.  The final type of listening in this framework is ‘generative listening’ and this is when we see and feel the one speaking in their full potential, which can increase the capacities and creativity of the person speaking.  In this kind of listening, we connect with the core ideas of the conversation and their potential futures.  ‘Generative listening’ also makes me think of this concept called a ‘believing mirror’  which my Mom first shared with me a while ago.  A ‘believing mirror’ is someone who mirrors us back to ourselves as creative, capable, and expansive.  May we all practice generative listening together and become believing mirrors for one another 🙂 

On Grief:

There are many people in my life right now who I care for dearly, who have recently suffered the loss of loved ones close to them.  If you have recently lost a loved one and you are currently in a space of grieving, know that I am here for you and please reach out if you are needing support.  

Grief and loss are inextricable to the human condition, yet we may resist grief because it can feel overpowering, all encompassing and disorienting.  Grief breaks our hearts open to the world and can leave us feeling raw and vulnerable.  I am reminded of a quote from buddhist philosopher Joanna Macy, that “the heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.”  It is in this way, that allowing for grief to be felt can transport us to a place of grace and appreciation for our common humanity.  I feel connected to Martin Prechtel’s writing on grief, that “grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honors what it misses.”  We grieve what we love. It is in grief that we reckon with the fact that all things are constantly changing, yet perhaps in this recognition, we can more deeply touch the preciousness and fleeting nature of life. 

All of that said, I have been feeling my own resistance to grief lately, so it is beautiful to reflect upon it.  I am grateful to have trained in “The Work That Reconnects” with Joanna Macy in 2018 and to have explored unexpressed grief in community contexts, and I have found these spaces to be incredibly powerful.  I do believe that many of the social and cultural issues we are facing can be attributed to unexpressed grief in our society, and that creating spaces for ‘grief & praise’ is vital to our collective transformation.  At the same time, there is much to celebrate, and I wish for us all to be able to feel grief when it is present and feel supported in the process, without falling into despair and apathy.  

On Movement:

My experience in my body with movement these last months, mainly through yoga, dance & trail running, has been expansive and has felt somewhat psychedelic.  I’m amazed by all that can be healed and discovered in the body through intentional movement, and that it is a process that continues to deepen.  Some of the most powerful yoga classes I’ve been a part of these last months have been restorative yoga classes. Settling into some of these postures for longer periods of time has allowed me to open up my body and find new places where I can further relax and let go of tension. Surrendering to deep sensation tends to stir up all sorts of emotions in me, and at times evokes tears.  It’s remarkable all that is stored in the body, and how physical practices can help us to recognize all that’s going on within.

I’ve also experienced what I would describe as ecstatic states of being through yoga, dance, and running these last months.  It’s in these moments when I tap into a flow state, where all my worries and concerns fall away. I am fully present to what is and I am not ruminating or thinking about anything at all. I lose track of the fixed sense of who I am and who I’ve known myself to be, and create space for new possibilities. I’m in awe by all that can arise through different kinds of movement and being in communication with the body.