Reposted from March 2022

On death…

I had a vivid dream recently where I was on a plane and we were flying over somewhere cold, in the dream it seemed to be somewhere in northern Europe.  When it came time to land, the flight attendant announced that we were preparing for landing and we began to descend.  We encountered a lot of turbulence and then all of a sudden we crashed straight into the ocean.  It took a moment for everyone to realize what had happened, and then it became clear that we were underwater and that the plane would soon be filling up with water and that there was no way out.  In the dream, I had the realization that I was going to die and as many people around me on the plane began to panic, I closed my eyes and went into meditation, breathing deeply and accepting that I was going to die soon.  When the dream reached the apex of intensity, I woke up.  I promptly began scrolling on instagram and made myself a sweet treat, a little bowl of cashew yogurt and peanut butter.  I was up for several hours feeling distraught, and as I was getting ready to get a second bowl of yogurt and peanut butter I realized that I was eating from a place of anxiety, distracting myself to cope with the stress of the dream. 

The next day I told a friend about the dream, and he then shared with me his own journey of getting to a place of accepting the inevitability of death, and that he has been able to recognize that death is not personal, that it just is.  This friend then went on to share his belief that the shift into true adulthood is marked by accepting the certainty of death.  I think there is a lot of wisdom in this, and although I don’t think I’m there yet, the dream did illuminate how the fear of death in my subconscious may be ruling certain unhelpful or irrational behavior.  In line with this thinking about death, I also appreciate the Buddhist philosophy on death, and as the recently departed great Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “the Buddha taught that there is no birth and no death.  Our belief that these ideas about birth and death are real creates a powerful illusion that causes us a great deal of suffering.  When we understand that we can’t be destroyed, we’re liberated from fear.  It’s a huge relief.  We can enjoy life and appreciate it in a new way.”  For me, this perspective on death has been incredibly powerful and helpful to contemplate.   

On identity…

Identity is a lifelong exploration, but has felt poignantly a part of my reality more recently.  This transformative process around identity the last two months has been energized by regularly listening to old lectures from Ram Dass on the ‘Here and Now’ podcast as well as listening to an insightful book on audible this month called “Cutting through Spiritual Materialism” by Tibetan Lama Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche.  As a side note, I think it’s important to relay that Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche was a controversial figure for many reasons, but I do think the quality and wisdom inherent in his writing/teaching can be considered independently of his human character flaws.  Regardless, the Ram Dass lectures and the book share a common message around identity, that essentially we get caught up in who we think we are, in our stories about ourselves and about other people and that much of our suffering can be attributed to this.  

Chogyam Trungpa in “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” expresses that we (especially those of us in the West), hold this mistaken belief in a separate “self”, and that the confused mind is inclined to view itself as a solid ongoing thing, when in reality we are each a collection of events.  Trungpa shares that our suffering springs forth from this mistaken belief that there is an individual knower, and that we hold this belief out of a deep fear of spaciousness, the fear of not being able to anchor ourselves to any solid ground.  In space, we lose the “safety” of knowing ourselves through a fixed identity and as separate beings.  Yet in the false sense of security of self-identification, we can remain trapped in an ongoing illusion of striving to improve ourselves.  Similarly, in the old lectures I’ve been listening to from Ram Dass, he invites us to let go of who we think we are, to let go of our personal histories, to recognize our neuroses as coming forth from identification with form and story.    

This message can feel frightening, disorienting and liberating all at the same time.  It is wisdom that has rung true for me for a while now, yet I feel it is only beginning to take root, and to change who I know myself to be and how I show up in the world and in relationship.        

The message to let go of who we know ourselves to be, is a message about death.  In the Gene Keys by Richard Rudd (which is another body of work that I greatly appreciate) there is a section/gene key that explores “The Future Human Being”, in which it is written that “the true meaning of interdependence is about entering into a state of union with all beings in the cosmos, which involves the death of the separate self”.  I continue to deepen into the profundity of this statement through ongoing contemplation, and as I do this, the question emerges…how can we “die” before we die, so that we may truly live?

I also wonder, and I would imagine you may have the same question…what is left over when we give it all up? I don’t know, and I think that’s the point.  I do know that there seems to be a natural surrendering process happening here, within me.  It doesn’t feel like such a battle when I embrace the mystery and all that I do not know, and I choose to practice listening.  When I listen, I create the space for natural spontaneity to arise.  I seem to be able to find peace and freedom through embracing spontaneity of expression while also exercising restraint.   

I listened to a Ram Dass Q&A session from 1992 on the Here & Now podcast this month called “The Anxiety of Being in the Void”, which reiterates the message of how the fear of death and loss of identity manifests, and how we get so caught in the fear that we react against it thus continuing to generate more fear.  Ram Dass suggests that if we work on ourselves to get quiet, we’ll be able to each play our unique part from a place of equanimity.  I also wanted to bring up this particular podcast episode (and highly recommend you give it a listen), because at the end, Ram Dass talks about interviewing John Seed, an Australian deep ecologist and longtime forest activist.  Ram Dass talks about asking John how things are going with the forests and climate change, and John Seed replies that, “It’s basically too late, that the inertia in the system is too great…but of course there could be a miracle” (this was in 1992).  I am not sharing this to depress you but actually in hopes of inspiring you as well as myself into action.  Ram Dass goes on to pose the following questions in reflective response…Would our social action to protect the earth be different if we decided it was too late? If we hold the perspective that it’s too late, would this make life less precious or more? Will we work more to bring about the miracle, and can we do this from a place of emptiness? He goes on to share that the quiet person hears what to do and does it impeccably.  As someone who has been involved in social action/environmental work on and off for years, I find great motivation and encouragement in this sentiment.  I’m working on getting quiet so that I can truly listen and play my part in bringing about the miracle, in cooperation with many of you and so many others across the planet.

‘Getting quiet’ is not a chore or a punishment, but is connected to being able to delight in our spontaneity, and is a continual process of making friends with ourselves.  In the yoga training I am doing, we recently learned about “Sahaja”, which is defined as the spontaneous presence of enlightened wisdom, which is always present, and in our very nature.  I hope to attune to this, to let Sahaja flow through here.  In this same vein, in the book I’m reading right now by Pema Chodron called “The Wisdom of No Escape”, she writes that “our true nature is not some ideal we have to live up to.  It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” May we all keep dying to ourselves while making friends with ourselves along the way.  

On Money…

This last month I have been feeling stress around money, and trying to catch myself when I go into a scarcity mindset.  I have experienced how stress around money is connected to fear of failure, fear of death, and general insecurity around worthiness and purpose. One of my favorite leaders and authors, Lynne Twist, wrote a great book called “The Soul of Money” that I read a few years ago. In her book, Lynne defines scarcity as a mindset of “there is never enough and more is better”, and discusses how we can see this mindset present within humanity the world over.  She then goes on to advocate for the cultivation of a sufficiency mindset rather than an abundance mindset, which I think is so wise and wonderful! Sufficiency is knowing that we are enough and have enough, and in her book, Lynne Twist writes…”when we live in the context of sufficiency, we find a natural freedom and integrity.  We engage in life from a sense of our own wholeness rather than a desperate longing to be complete.” This is the mindset that I am working on cultivating 🙂

Books I mentioned: 

Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche (free on audible with an account!)

The Gene Keys by Richard Rudd

The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron 

The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist 

Music: Nick Mulvey released a new song called Star Nation that I feel is such a beautiful song for these uncertain times.  The first lyric of the song is “The time of the lone wolf is done”, and I love this sentiment and reminder that we are in this together.  

Podcast: One of my favorite podcast episodes of all time which was reshared last month on the “On Being” podcast with Krista Tippett, is a conversation with Irish author & poet John O’Donoghue called “The Inner Landscape of Beauty”.  I particularly enjoyed the end of the episode when Krista Tippett asks John about how to bring the inner landscape into our work environments, to cultivate closer relationships with our colleagues while remaining professional.  John essentially replies that the gifts that are given to us as individuals are not for our own self improvement, but are meant to be offered to the community.  Give it a listen 🙂