Reposted from April 2022

On Communication…

I recently collaborated with some friends to co-facilitate two twitter space conversations about compassionate communication.  The first one we did was an overview of compassionate communication/non-violent communication (NVC) and active listening, and it was great to review Marshall Rosenburg’s book in preparation for the conversation. In the book, non-violent communication is described as a process where “instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.” When I read this description I feel inspired, because I value clear communication and connection 🙂

In the first twitter space conversation, I shared about the four components of compassionate communication which are observations, feelings, needs and requests.  The first component of ‘observations’, can be defined as the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.  Instead of communicating from a place of observation, we often make evaluations of one another, which seem to more likely lead us to misunderstanding/conflict.  There is a quote from J Krishnamurti in this section of the book that says,“the ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”  Along these lines, a friend of mine shared with me recently that she doesn’t believe in intuition in the way many people think of it, but that she believes intuition is actually acute observation.  I think this is an interesting perspective to consider, and can invite us deeper into observation and being truly present to what is.  

I’m not going to go into all of what we discussed in the conversation as it pertained to feelings and needs, but I do want to share a couple of things about ‘requests’ that I find to be helpful in communication.  In the NVC book, Marshall shares that oftentimes, we are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak, and that we talk to others or at them without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them.  There is beauty in the creativity and vulnerability in making requests of one another, many ways we can co-create win-win scenarios that are enriching for all involved.  In this same vein, I also appreciated the reminder in the book to use positive action language to state what we do want rather than what we don’t want when making requests.  

The second conversational space we did was called “Making Friends With Ourselves: The Path of Self-Compassion”, and in preparation for it, I spent time reviewing Kristin Neff’s website.  I am not related to Kristin Neff, but it’s an honor to share a name with her because she is great and I love what she is all about! In the conversation, we talked about self-compassion as the path to befriending ourselves, offering ourselves the same kindness and care we’d extend to a good friend.  Self-compassion is about honoring and accepting our humanness, to recognize the human condition shared by all of us.  In the conversation, we talked about Kristin Neff’s research around self-compassion; the three components of self-compassion (self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness), as well as what self-compassion isn’t (self-indulgence, self-pity, and self-esteem).  All of this richness can be further explored on Kristin Neff’s website.  After I helped to frame the conversation with some of these ideas, we opened it up to a dialogue and people from different parts of the world shared their insights and experiences with self-compassion.  I viscerally felt our common humanity on the call, as people from India, Dubai, the UK etc. shared similar struggles and experiences. 

I consider the practice of self-compassion to be a process of inner communication, which reminds me of a quote from Thich Nhat Hahn’s book “The Art of Communicating” that says, “once you can communicate with yourself, you’ll be able to communicate outwardly with more clarity.  The way in is the way out.”  I’m sharing about self-compassion in the context of communication, because I believe the practice of self-compassion paves the way for us to have clear and compassionate communication with one another.  

On Community…

I had several conversations this past month about the differences between co-dependence, independence, and interdependence.  I understand a codependent relationship dynamic to be one in which there is an over-reliance on the other/one another and over-identification with the relationship.   I don’t use the word co-dependence much anymore, but reading and learning about codependence has been helpful to better understand relationship patterns I have been a part of creating in the past.  

Independence lies on the other end of the spectrum, and is evident in our western culture that values individual freedoms over togetherness.  While self-sufficiency and self-responsibility are important to building healthy relationships, we can cooperate and support each other while maintaining responsibility for ourselves.

Interdependence is about finding freedom in togetherness, in community.  In this way, we can approach community as a pillar of interdependence, recognizing that community means re-learning how to be in right relationship with all beings.  Interestingly, I learned from a dear friend this past month that the word ‘freedom’ comes from the Old English word ‘freon’ which means beloved, friend and/or to love.  It’s cool to think of friendship and freedom as etymologically synonymous! May we all experience freedom in friendship, celebrate togetherness in community, and learn to care for one another and for ourselves simultaneously.

I feel grateful to be settling into a wonderful community these days, after a year and a half of moving around living in different places, which although involved time living in sweet community contexts, also involved long solo drives and quite a lot of time alone.  Community holds us, grows us, and stirs the pot in sometimes uncomfortable ways.  I have been experiencing new levels of vulnerability as I build community here and nurture newer relationships-and I’m so here for it! It feels like a continual opening which can feel scary, and I sometimes feel myself contract.  In those moments I focus on staying open, on softening, and shifting to a place of curiosity, patience and compassion.  I strive to practice loving speech and deep listening, which Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh teaches are key to community building.

In thinking about community, I’ve been reflecting back on an online course I took last fall offered through the Tamera Peace Research and Education Center to study their Healing Biotopes Plan.  Tamera teaches that…“Healing Biotopes are small-scale experimental centers in which people research how to build peace culture.  They are models that are scalable and replicable, working on lived, embodied information that can contribute to the DNA of a nonviolent civilization.  Ultimately, a Healing Biotope is a place where all beings live together in full cooperation and unreserved trust.”  

I loved learning about Healing Biotopes last year, and dream of these places proliferating throughout our world.   Community in itself holds the key to getting us there, so focusing our efforts on nurturing relationships and building communities of trust is essential.  Tamera teaches that part of building community is learning to think together, and that we learn the laws of peace by learning the logic of community.  I love the idea that creating peace happens through the active, dynamic and challenging process of community building.

I also appreciate that Tamera teaches that community acts as the “basic social organ of humanity, and the foundation of a natural ethics of mutual support, solidarity and trust.  The community is a unified organism and the individual people are its organs.  As the new organism emerges, a new mental-spiritual subject develops: the communitarian ‘I’.”  The living systems nerd in me loves thinking about community as the collective organism and individuals as the organs, each person playing their vital role in the makeup of the whole.  

On Play…

Grappling with the war in Ukraine, and with the suffering and uncertainty in our world and our own lives, it can be challenging to find levity and play amidst it all.  Over the last few months, at times when I have felt joy, I have also felt coupled with it, something akin to guilt.  When I dig deeper into this, I realize the complexity of this emotion comes from a place of recognizing how lucky I am, mixed with a feeling of overwhelm in truly facing and being with the suffering in the world, with a desire to help alleviate suffering in the world and confusion in not knowing quite how.  

For years, I was fixated on finding my ‘purpose’ which felt like being stuck in a place of rumination and insecurity.  I realize now that the simple act of presence is a gift, and that when we surrender into the joy of being, we change the world for the better.  Play is a portal into joy that requires our presence, and when we allow ourselves to play, we beautifully recreate the world around us.  Also, play can be a rebellious and subversive act~which is something I plan to further experiment with and explore 🙂